Meet the staff

As many of you know, ZellCo Enterprises was recently acquired by the GreenStone Group for 630 million dollars in a hostile takeover. GreenStone immediately sacked over 600 employees and closed our offices in New York, Los Angeles, London, Beijing, and Blooming Prairie, Minnesota. That left only one office in Mexico and two employees: my wife and I. Adding insult to injury, GreenStone slashed our salaries by half and forced us to switch to a generic non-dairy creamer. 

My wife and I now do the work of over 600. It's been an adjustment, but we've soldiered on. We hope you'll bear with us as we work through this. I'm still trying to get my forklift operator license, and learning how to use Quickbooks has proven to be more difficult than expected. Because of our poor credit score, we were only able to get pre-paid phones, and the coverage has been for shit. We now average less than 20 minutes of sleep a night, which has almost doubled our coffee, 5-Hour Energy, and cocaine budget. GreenStone will not be happy when they review our quarterly financials.

The bottom line is that we are doing the best we can. We expect the operation to run smoothly again by the end of June. In the meantime, thank you for your patience.